Unpacking the Man Box: Are We Missing Boys in Our Wellbeing Journey?
We’ve made incredible strides in recent years in fostering a sense of limitless potential for our young girls. From infancy, messages of strength, capability, and the freedom to pursue any dream have become increasingly prevalent. We celebrate their ambition, encourage their voices, and actively dismantle outdated gender stereotypes. This focus is vital and long overdue.
But as we rightly champion our girls, a quiet question lingers: are we inadvertently leaving our boys behind in the conversation about emotional wellbeing and healthy masculinity? Have we, in our enthusiastic creation of space for girls, neglected to offer boys an equally expansive and supportive framework for navigating their own identities?
The term “toxic masculinity” has entered our community vocabulary, often sparking heated debate. At its core, it describes a rigid set of ideals about manhood that can be deeply damaging. Think of the unspoken rules: suppress emotions, be tough, never ask for help, and assert dominance. These aren’t inherent traits, but rather learned behaviours, often absorbed from family, peers, media, and broader societal norms.
Dr. Michael Flood, an Australian researcher on men and masculinities, highlights how these restrictive norms can box boys in. He notes, “Young men learn that to be a ‘real man’ they must be strong, silent, and in control. This can make it difficult for them to express vulnerability or seek support when they are struggling.” See note *
Consider the story of Mark, a father of two boys aged 10 and 13 in suburban Melbourne. He shares, “I noticed my eldest started shutting down emotionally around Year 6. When he was little, he’d cry if he was upset, but now it’s all anger or silence. I tried to talk to him, but he just shrugs it off, says he’s fine. It worries me.” Mark’s experience echoes a common concern: as boys navigate adolescence, the pressure to conform to a stoic ideal can stifle their emotional literacy.
This isn’t to say that the positive messaging for girls is wrong – far from it. However, the imbalance might be contributing to a concerning trend. Some researchers and community workers are observing a rise in what could be termed a defensive or reactive form of masculinity among some young men. This subculture, sometimes amplified online, suggests that the gains made by girls somehow equate to a loss for boys, fostering a belief that they need to “fight back” to maintain a sense of wholeness and avoid being perceived as diminished or subservient.
This narrative, often fuelled by fear and a misunderstanding of equality, can be deeply troubling. It can lead to the radicalisation of some boys, pushing them towards harmful ideologies that devalue women and promote aggression as a means of asserting dominance.
As a psychologist working with young people for nearly 40 years, I have witnessed this firsthand. “I’ve seen a shift in some of the younger boys I work with. There’s a defensiveness, a feeling that their traditional roles are being threatened. They sometimes express resentment towards the focus on female empowerment, interpreting it as a slight against them.”
The potential consequences of this trend are deeply concerning for our community. If boys are taught that vulnerability is weakness and that asserting dominance is the only way to maintain their status, we risk fostering a new generation grappling with:
· Increased Family and Gendered Violence: A belief in male superiority and the need to control can tragically manifest in harmful behaviours within relationships.
· Disconnection from Community: When boys are discouraged from expressing emotions and forming genuine connections based on vulnerability, they risk isolation and a lack of strong support networks.
· Threatened Healthy Relationships: Equality and mutual respect are the cornerstones of healthy relationships. A mindset of competition and resentment between genders undermines this foundation.
· Negative Impact on Boys’ Mental Health: The pressure to conform to rigid masculine ideals, coupled with feelings of being overlooked or threatened, can significantly contribute to anxiety, depression, and other mental health challenges in boys as they transition into manhood.
We need to ask ourselves: have we inadvertently created a void in our messaging to boys? Have we focused so intently on lifting girls that we haven’t offered boys an equally compelling vision of healthy masculinity – one that embraces emotional intelligence, empathy, respect, and the strength to be vulnerable?
The answer isn’t to diminish the vital work being done to empower girls. Instead, it’s about broadening our focus. It’s about actively engaging boys in conversations about their feelings, challenging harmful stereotypes, and demonstrating that true strength lies not in dominance but in empathy and connection.
We need to create spaces where boys feel safe to explore their emotions without judgment, where they understand that seeking help is a sign of courage, and where they can build healthy relationships based on equality and mutual respect.
Let’s learn from the powerful and positive messaging we’ve crafted for our girls and apply that same intentionality to our boys. Let’s equip them with the emotional tools they need to navigate the complexities of life, fostering a generation of young men who are not defined by rigid stereotypes but by their capacity for empathy, connection, and genuine strength. The wellbeing of our entire community, both boys and girls, depends on it.
· Note: Dr Flood has published widely on topics including violence against women and violence prevention, men and masculinities, profeminist men’s advocacy, male heterosexuality, fathering, and pornography. He has made a significant contribution to scholarly and community understanding of men’s and boys’ involvements in preventing violence against women and building gender equality. Dr Flood has published 44 journal articles, 29 book chapters, a sole-authored book, a co-authored book, two edited collections, 37 commissioned research monographs, and over 80 other publications. He is the author of Engaging Men and Boys in Violence Prevention (2019), the co-author of Masculinity and Violent Extremism (2022), the lead editor of Engaging Men in Building Gender Equality (2015) and The International Encyclopedia of Men and Masculinities (2007).
